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1. A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'
'From my knickers tae ma feet. '


2. A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair..
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.


3. What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography...?
Oor Wullie.


4. A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter..
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.


5. Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.


6. After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'


7. Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ?
Coo eight.


8. Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.
Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.


9. A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box.
So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.


10. While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'


11. What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.


12. What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.


13. How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.


14. A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
'No,' argues the assistant, 'Look at the label - it says Taiwan .'


15. What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'


16. What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.


17.. Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.


18. What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident?
The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.


19.. Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
Because the chef was Low Ping.


20. While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.


21. Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative -
'Aye right.'


22. A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street .
When he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies.
'Aye, same as masel... 
 



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Reply with quote  #2 
Does anybody need a translation?


Neil

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Reply with quote  #3 

Fraser, you have to be joking. There's a moose loose aboot the hoose.

Chocky

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Reply with quote  #4 
Donaldo, ¿donde estan su pantalones?

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Deeko

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Reply with quote  #5 
My pantalones are in the wash.Had a wee accident!
   Am coming over from Sunny Scotland on 8th Aug for 2 weeks.Malaga got any home friendlies on then?
Neil

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Reply with quote  #6 

I don't know about Malaga friendlies during that time. However, Bar Chiringuito are playing Bar Plaza at dominoes and you are in the squad.

Deeko

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Reply with quote  #7 

hola son,fancy meeting you here.Just found list of friendlies.Malaga playing in Nerja on the 15th Aug.So if doms the same night ah might be CHAPPIN! 

Neil

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Reply with quote  #8 

Just so everyone knows, Deeko is a closet Betis fan. He drinks in the Puta Betis bar in the village.

Deeko

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Reply with quote  #9 

Neil is as usual talking a load of puta! There is a bar that is owned by a betis fan in the village.Only reason he seldom frequents it is because he never remembers leaving it or paying the bill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chocky

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Reply with quote  #10 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deeko
There is a bar that is owned by a betis fan in the village.


He's the only puta in the village.

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Deeko

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Reply with quote  #11 

yea, he`s not a popular person.

costa_del_sol

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Reply with quote  #12 

lucky non of you got a glaswegian kiss after all that!!!!

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