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darlomark

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Reply with quote  #76 
Went to the zoo the other day, and saw a baguette in a cage,

I thought, hmm, bread in captivity.

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darlomark

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Reply with quote  #77 
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
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darlomark

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Reply with quote  #78 
My wife said it’d really be a nice birthday surprise if I got her something to run around in.


So I bought her a tracksuit.

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darlomark

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Reply with quote  #79 
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral Sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.


The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

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darlomark

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Reply with quote  #80 
After a rough night at the pub, I was rudely awakened by my neighbour cutting his grass,

"bugger it" I thought, he can mow around me!

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darlomark

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Reply with quote  #81 
An alcoholic walks into a hardware shop and asks to buy a bottle of meths. The shopkeeper says "I'm not selling you that, I've seen you sitting down the park and I know you're an alkie. You'll just drink it."
The bloke says "no, I've just started my own decorating business and I need it for my work. People won't let me forget I used to be a drunk. I've turned my life around, but I'll always be seen as that drunkard, no matter how hard I work"
The shopkeeper says "I'm so sorry. Alright, heres your bottle of meths."
The bloke says "you haven't got a cold one, have you?"

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darlomark

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Reply with quote  #82 
I was in court today for stealing a bag and found not guilty in 3 minutes,

It was a briefcase.

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darlomark

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Reply with quote  #83 
You can’t trust Hawaiians,

their i’s are too close together.

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darlomark

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Reply with quote  #84 
The wife wanted to go and see Jeremy Kyle live, so I got her sister pregnant and we are on next Tuesday :-D
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darlomark

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Reply with quote  #85 
Some blokes in the pub were discussing sexual positions. The different ones went round the table but they all knew them, till one bloke mentioned the 'Rodeo' position. No one had heard of it before and asked what it was. 
The bloke said it was just like doing it doggy style but half way through you tell her you're having an affair with her sister and the hard part's staying on till the end.
 

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darlomark

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Reply with quote  #86 
Three things that always tell the truth:-

1. Young Children
2. Drunks
3. Leggings

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darlomark

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Reply with quote  #87 
I cooked a medium rare steak for my friend and he said, “I like it well done.”

I said “Thanks. That means a lot.”

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darlomark

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Reply with quote  #88 
Our cat jumped in the washing machine yesterday,

but at least it died in Comfort.

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darlomark

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Reply with quote  #89 
The man that invented throat lozenges died last week,

there was no coffin at the funeral.
 

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darlomark

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Reply with quote  #90 
what do they call a generous yorkshireman, an incomer.
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